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Saturday, 2 July 2011

GUZZLE PUZZLE

Gobble Monkey hates Rowntree's Randoms. Listen, THEY ARE NOT RANDOM. They are self consciously wacky non-random jellies made in a boring factory in Kent. There's no 'Wacky Random Jelly Shape Generator' - it's just a Marketing Manager called Susan who runs endless focus groups to find out what middle-of-the-road jelly-shapes are most amenable to the widest section of UK sweet buyers.

However, Randoms have been very successful and even Gobble Monkey must admit they are moreish.

And now The Natural Confectionery Company are getting on the wacky gums bandwagon - but they've come up with a concept so mental it's about to blow the world of fruit-flavoured chews apart:


Chewy jellies that can be added together to produce new flavours!

The press release goes into more detail:

"Sworn to secrecy about how this unexplained magical flavour transformation happens, experts from the Natural Sweet Confectionery Co. have spent months taste-testing different wacky and wonderful flavour combinations to fine tune each fruity formula."

I actually managed to get hold of one of the confidentiality agreement that The Natural Confectionary Company Jelly Experts had to sign before they could start work on the Guzzle Puzzle project. Here it is:
OK So here are the suggested combos on the back of the packet:



WHAT SORT OF MATHS LESSON IS THAT?
Orange plus banana equals BUBBLEGUM?!? This sounds groundbreaking. I am beginning to see why they had to sign that contract.

(BTW: In an ideal world cinnamon would take its rightful place alongside salt and pepper on the dinner table, to be sprinkled liberally on desserts. So any cinnamon flavoured jelly is welcomed in Gobble Monkey's jungle.)

Well let me tell you the months spent fine-tuning fruity formulas by the Natural Confectionery Company Jelly Experts was wasted. Eaten separately, the gums are fairly tasteless, but when eaten together they curiously become even more bland. The individual flavours are rendered unidentifiable, mingling together to produce an fruity mish-mash of nothingness.


BUT HANG ON lets just take a closer look at that packaging again. Did you notice that asterix? Check out the priviso:


WHAT?! SOME COMBINATIONS MAY NOT BE POSSIBLE?!? Too right they aren't - I only had one 'Lime' jelly in my pack!! These AREN'T Rowntree Randoms! Why can't the factory computer be programmed to put in an equal amount of flavours!?! What if you opened your pack of Guzzle Puzzle and found just 16 banana flavour jellies and nothing else? You'd be stuck with Banana + Banana = Banana.

ANYWAY: You'll notice the secret formulas for some flavour cominations haven't been printed on the back of the pack. These seem to have been left for the consumer to decide on. If we take the lead from the Natural Confectionery Company Jelly Experts, that means just make up any old fancy-sounding flavour, knowing they'll all end up tasting of the same unindentifiable fruit anyway. Eg:

Orange + Lime = Strawberry milkshake
Cinnamon + Banana = Fudge brownies
Banana + Lime + Raspberry = Creamy salmon pasta bake

I would also question if putting a jelly ring on top of a jelly sombrero really counts as a 'puzzle'. It didn't take me very long to figure out. (I would have called them 'Flavour Equations'. Either that or Chewy Riddles. Or Gummy Problems. Or even Gummy Solutions.)


It's a shame Guzzle Puzzle doesn't really work, as I really like the idea. The sad truth is that Randoms are actually the better sweet. And you KNOW how Gobble Monkey feels about Randoms.

Guzzle Puzzle, Natural Confectionery Co. 50p
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

22 comments:

  1. These sound like something they would invent on The Apprentice - rubbish...

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  2. HANG ON! I TRIED THESE AND ALTHOUGH I HATE TO EAT TWO OF THE SAME TYPE OF JELLY AS IT RINGS OR PULLS MIXING THE FLAVOURS WORK! I HAD ALL 3 AND WAS VERY HAPPY WITH THE RESULT!

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  3. intereting Matt! I will give them another try, but they didn't work for me. And the fact that I only got one Lime gum meant I could not really experiment with the formulas!

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  4. I got 3 of the 6 flavours and therefore could only make one of the suggested flavours (Pink Lemonade), wth is a Pink Lemonade anyway?

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  5. The TV ad (voiced by a Matt Berry soundalike) turns this innocent product into something horrifyingly sexual - especially given the shape of the male-voiced sweet.

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  6. Matt Berry soundalike? It is him. I don't think he warrants a soundalike.

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  7. I'm fairly sure it is him.

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  8. iv'e not tried these yet but i think they look absolutely horrible, especially since they just look like fake haribos

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  9. I really like these. Or, to be more precise, I really like the banana ones. Just tipped open the packet and I neither know nor care how they taste or how well they fit together. The reason I like them? The yellow ones are FLOURESCENT!!

    I'm into lighting and if you pump the yellow ones with UV they give off a bright yellow light. It's really fun!

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  10. Lime + Lime = Double Lime. Consider yourself bubblegummed.

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  11. hey Jai - have you got a picture of the FLOURESCENT yellow guzzle puzzles?

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  12. I did a post on Guzzle puzzle on my blog,my friend found a werid jelly baby in her packet, take a look on my blog:

    http://emzishere.blogspot.com/search/label/Guzzle%20Puzzle%20Follow%20Up

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  13. amazing Emily! you should have kept him!

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  14. Hi Gobble Monkey!
    I was out shopping with my nan in tesco, and I came across these in a little basket type thingy, and They were reduced, So I thought 'Why not?' and then I remembered this post, and decided to try them out.
    I was disappointed to say the least!! I mean, What can you do with 5 jelly 'sombreo's' and only 2 rings? They weren't nice any way, and I didn't even get a cinnamon one, only weird pink lemonade, orange and raspberry ;(
    The lime one was nice though!!!
    ;)
    Jodie x

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  15. thx Jodie! they are quite nice on their own, shame they have such a random allocation of the flavours!

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  16. once i had a packet which had more of the bottem bit than the top plus they were mostly lime and i hate lime!!!! from a gobble monkey fan =)

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  17. This is an asterisk: *
    This is an asterix: http://outcaststudios.com/forums/uploads/monthly_04_2012/post-1680-0-45815500-1333947394.png

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  18. I absolutely ADORE them hahahahaha

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  19. How the hell did my lime banana and raspberry actually taste like creamy salmon pasta?
    I ♥ guzzle puzzle!

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    Replies
    1. I thought I would give that a try. Definitely tasted salmon in there.

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  20. I found that orange + raspberry = plum flavour

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