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Thursday, 4 August 2011

All Time Top Six Worst Cereal Characters

6) CAPTAIN RIK

Um, how exactly did Captain Rik rise to the rank of Captain without being able to spell his own name right? Do NASA even allow children into space these days? Especially obviously communist ones.

The best era for Ricicles was the early Nineties when they put dried marshmallows in them. I still vividly remember the then-Children's BBC presenter Andi Peters launching an ill-thought out campaign to have them removed, brain-washing mailable children to sigh his stupid petition. Why was Andi Peters even eating Ricicles anyway, they were clearly for kids. Shortly afterwards, the only remaining marshmallow cereal, Lucky Charms, were taken off the shelves. I don't have enough evidence to pin that on Andi Peters yet, so I've had to drop my investigation. FOR THE TIME BEING.


5) LOOPY THE BEE

These round versions of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are NOBODY'S favourite cereal. Honey Nut Loops seem to be made exclusively for the 0.002% of the population that prefer 'loops' to flakes. I've never actually ever met anyone who's actually eaten them.

Look closely at "Loopy" the "bee" (here dressed a superhero for no reason). He looks more like a wasp doesn't he? No wonder no one buys these. 






3) COCO MONKEY

Apart from the notion of a chocolate obsessed monkey being completely ridiculous, Coco Monkey constantly spouts rubbish. (usually in rhyme)

His catchphrase - "I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops" - is nonsense. Rather than what? A bowl of Rice Krispies? Well, anyone would.

And his follow-up boast "TURNS THE MILK CHOCOLATEY" is just Kelloggs trying to claim that the colouring dissolving off their cereal is a unique selling point, rather than a lame side-effect of their substandard product. HMMMM a bowl of soggy Rice Krispies and some weak-flavoured chocolate milk. Delicious. Just what Coco Monkey didn't want in the first place.





3) KLONDIKE PETE

Klondike Pete is a prospector desperately mining for Golden Nuggets with 'Pardner', his pet mule.

NEWSFLASH. You can buy them in most large supermarket chains. Maybe Klondike Pete only has a Sainsbury's Local in his area.

Pete's catchphrase is "They Taste Yeee Haaa!" which is useful as  yeee haaa is my favourite of all flavours.





2) SNAP, CRACKLE & POP

Is Snap supposed to be a chef? And Pop is a soldier right? So what the hell is Crackle? A Stoke fan?

In other territories, where these noises don't exist, they have other names:

Belgium - Pif! Paf! Pof!
Finland - Riks! Raks! Poks!
France - Cric! Crac! Croc!
Germany - Knisper! Knasper! Knusper!
South Africa - Knap! Knaetter! Knak!
Mexico - Pim! Pum! Pam!


I have never had a bowl of Rice Krispies that went 'Snap!' anyway. He should be replaced with 'Knak!' with immediate effect. The other two can stay. FOR THE TIME BEING.


1) PROFESSOR WEETO

"Quick, we need a character for our new Weetos cereal.. they've done tigers, bees, a monkey, prospectors. What's left?"

"Got it - a balding old scientist."

"What?"

"Wait - his glasses are made of giant Weetos."

"Done."


3 comments:

  1. You forget the Nesquick cereal bunny. I mean, what worse mascot for a cereal that already look like rabbit shit...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good one Al!

    ReplyDelete
  3. theres two 3s

    ReplyDelete