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Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Nestle Cereal Mix

I wonder if Dr Kellogg could have imagined what the French would one day do to his beloved invention - the cereal flake.

Look at these - 'Nestle Mix' - a kind gift from France, home of the world's finest cuisine.

I cannot translate the name, but they would seem to be the French equivalent of our own 'Kelloggs Variety' - six mini-boxes of classic cereals each providing just enough for one bowl. The difference is, instead of the obligatory 'Rice Krispies' which would always be left 'til last in favour of the Coco-Pops, ALL the cereals in Nestle Mix are chocolate themed - there's not a dull selection among them.


A boring English man, used to compensating any tiny morsel of rich food with copious amounts of blandness, would baulk at the prospect of six chocolate flavoured cereals. 'Please sir, may I have some dry Wheat Biscuits?' he would say. So in the spirit of William the Conqueror, I will now attempt to eat all six in one sitting.

VIVE LA FRANCE!

BOWL ONE: Nesquik

These tough little chocolately balls are, of course, also available in the UK. I've never had them before, but as the simple-faced rabbit says: "Nouveau encore plus Chocolat" which translates as 'Looks and tastes a bit like my own droppings'. Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of seven.

BOWL TWO: Cookie Crisp
I've always avoided these when I've seen them in Tescos. At their most basic level, they are just biscuits in milk, or as the French say: "cereales au gout de biscuit avec des pepites saveur chocolat" - cereals that taste of biscuit with chocolate nuggets.

Quite tasty, but I in no way acknowledge this as a real cereal. You might as well put a Jaffa cake in a bowl of milk and call it CHOCO-ORANGE SPONGE FLAKES. Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of seven.

BOWL THREE: Crunch

Getting a bit sick of chocolate now. These are like little chocolate armadillos or hard shelled chocolate beetles. So tough, they're almost painful to eat, and bear little resemblance to their chocolate bar namesake. I imagine this is what it's like eating bark. Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of seven.

BOWL FOUR: Chocapic
Chocapic's slogan is: "C'est Fort En Choclat!" (It is strong in Chocolate!) spoken by a crazed dog brandishing a spoon. He may look like he's been driven completely insane be rabies, but that dog is not wrong - these chocolate flavoured toe nail clippings are rock hard with an extreme bitter chocolate taste. It's too much. Who started eating chocolate for breakfast anyway? I bet it was the French. Oh they j'adore their chocolat so much don't they? Who else would take something as plain and simple as bread and then stick chocolate in it and eat it for breakfast? Well they can take their Nestle Mix and shove it up their bums. Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7.

BOWL FIVE: Lion.
While the rest of the world rightly stopped even considering Lion bars as a viable chocolate bar in the mid-Nineties, the French have chosen to turn them into a cereal. AND THEY WERE RIGHT TO DO SO.

We know there is already Twix-Mix, but in the future ALL chocolate bars will be turned into cereals. In fact, you don't even need to wait until the future, just tip a packet of KitKat Pop-Chocs or Malteasers into a bowl of milk - instant chocolate cereal. TRY THAT ON FOR SIZE MONSIEUR DU LAIT.

Anyway, Cereales Lion mixes caramel flavoured flakes with chocolate flavoured flakes - and it is fantastic. Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of seven.

BOWL SIX: Chokella

Look at these - Chokella (translation: 'Chokella') - you can't get these in the so-called UK can you, you bowler-hat-wearing fish-and-chip eating fool? NO AND THEY ARE DELICIOUS. The slogan says it all: "MMMMM" which is the same when translated into English. I think it is the best slogan ever for anything - how could anyone resist MMMMM? Forget the smug-faced French child flying on a shiny paddle (LOOK CLOSELY IT IS A PADDLE) he is irrelevant. Instead concentrate on the toast shaped chocolate cereals. DO NOT PANIC they are not as nut-tasting as "cereales avec du ble complt gout CHOCO-NOISETTE" suggests. In fact, these are soft and dusty and among the greatest chocolate cereals ever made.
AND I LOVE CHOCOLATE CEREALS. AND THE FRENCH.
Gobble Monkey says: 7 out of seven.

BOWL SEVEN:


I MIXED THEM ALL TOGETHER MMMMM THE ULTIMATE CHOCOLATE CEREAL IT GETS 1 MILLIONS OUT OF SEVEN.

AU REVOIR DE LA SINGE GOBER MON PETIT FANS DE BONBONS!

12 comments:

  1. My favourite line ever - AU REVOIR DE LA SINGE GOBER MON PETIT FANS DE BONBONS!

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  2. The things I would do for those cereals, specifically Lion and Chokella. Great round up.

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  3. agreed with rodzilla, i use to love nesquik cereal when it was available in the us

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  4. I love Lion cereal - though it goes stale very quickly, and it's normally on offer in Asda. My favourite cereal I've tried this year!

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  5. I've been craving Chocapic for weeks, and I've even settle for the Kellogg's Chocos if Chocapic weren't available.

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  6. I want all of these things. Living in the States is the worst. Well, we have Cookie Crisp but that stuff is pretty terrible (that's French for "terrible).

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  7. I live in France, and have had all of these cereals (some more often than I should admit as a self-respecting "adult"), and I have to agree with all of your scores. Chokella was a brilliant stroke of marketing genius, born undoubtedly while trying to find a means to capture Nutella lovers (but they couldn't call it Nutella, since Kinder/Ferrero is one of few companies that Nestlé doesn't own (yet?). I'm amazed that it hasn't made its way into other markets. By the way, as to them all being chocolate, most cereals here are, I'm afraid (which, of course, can be seen as both good and bad) :)

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  8. Oh my god I was obsessed with Lion cereal but I thought they'd stopped doing it?

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  9. U said that on BOWL ONE: Nesquik says Nouveau encore plus Chocolat translates to "taste and looks like my own droppings" NO! it means "New More Chocolate" dont believe me? go on to Google Translate and find out for yourself!EVERYBODY don't listen to everything the gobble Monkeys say because its just a bunch of lies! It I atmit some of its true but the rest is just aload of CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. *HUUUUUGE FACEPAAAAALM*

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  10. My tummy hurts from both laughing and being hungry while going through your blog.
    But now my heart aches too: we French have some strange and kinda "disgusting" stuff from our "food repertoire", but Nestlé isn't French, it was founded in (and still is operating from) Switzerland.

    So DON'T BLAME THIS ON US, okay?! :D

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