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Saturday, 5 November 2011

Jamie Oliver 'Hello Sailor' Chocolate

FANTASTIC NEWS. Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has brought out his own range of chocolate.

There is NO WAY this is at odds with Jamie's crusade to rid the world of all obese children, so if that's what your thinking, just stop it.

Jamie Oliver is NOT a hypocrite and anyone who says he is putting his principles in the bin in order to stamp his face on every foodstuff in the land is WRONG. He does ALL his shopping at Sainsburys, genuinely enjoys having 'Jules' help him in the garden and his branded Italian restaurants are really good value for money. OK?

In fact, this chocolate is just part of Jamie's master plan to eradicate all fat children from Great Britain.

After all, what better way than to discourage kids from eating chocolate than to fill it with disgusting sea salt?

So instead of marketing chocolate to kids, Jamie is aiming it directly at sailors. Jamie is well aware that the sea is salty and sailors sail on the sea so therefore ALL sailors must love salt, right? That is all they eat all day and want all their meals heavily salted - even desserts and especially chocolate bars.

And if any kids are tempted to try this, to put them off Jamie's written some complete nonsense on the back:

"Tickle your taste buds with this luxuriously rich chocolate with a sprinkling of sea salt. Let the crystals sparkle on your tongue before the salt-chocolate alchemy begins - the salt cuts the sweetness to reveal riches and more intense chocolate flavour"


Whatever happened to simply saying PUKKA every five minutes Jamie? You could have just written 'Salt flavoured chocolate' on the back of the packet and had done with it. Instead, you've turned into a massive salt loving ponce.

'Hello Sailor' claims to be 'rich creamy chocolate sprinkled with sea salt'.

I have to take issue with Jamie's definition of the word 'sprinkled' - let me tell you this: if you like swimming in the ocean with your mouth open, you might like Jamie's Hello Sailor chocolate.

Now, Americans have been stuffing their chocolate with salt for years and if anything, salt usually makes things more moreish. But this is just a step too far - it tastes like it has been marinated in saline solution for about 6 weeks. Here's where Hello Sailor slots in on the saltiness level chart:

1) The sea
2) Jamie Oliver Hello Sailor Chocolate
3) Ready salted crisps
4) Jamie Oliver Pasta Sauce
5) Anchovies

Good work Jamie, not only will no child ever eat this, no non-boat dwelling human will either. You've saved the world (again).

Jamie Oliver 'Hello Sailor' Chocolate, £2
Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of 7


  1. I'm a Sailor and I like salt!

    Dunno if I'll like this though...

  2. That's hilarious. I love your saltiness level chart too. I am totally staying far away from that AND the pasta sauce.

  3. This is my most favourite review ever!! Especially enjoy the description of the volume of salt in a bar.

  4. Well there's 5 minutes I'm never going to get back!
    This is the most stupid blog I have ever read. Stop wasting your time writing this twaddle.

  5. You're right Anon. What have I been doing. I've wasted my life dedicating it to sweets. If only I could find some way to give you your precious 5 minutes back. Imagine the good work you could do with it.

  6. I love you LMC! Seriously! You are pure Genius! LOL. :oD