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Sunday, 30 October 2011

Butterkist Spooky Popcorn

While on the look out for more Halloween sweets, I spotted these in Sainsburys:


Great! Spooky Popcorn! How nice to see Butterkist get in the spirit of Halloween!

Will be be green coloured?' I wondered. 'Will it taste like pumpkin?'

But then I checked on the back:
It's EXACTLY the same as normal toffee popcorn. It's not green or orange (the two colours of Halloween). It's not skeleton flavoured. This is about as Halloween as Craig from the biscuit factory singing Adele on X-Factor in a duffel coat last night. Just because you put something in a duffel coat (FOR 'DUFFEL COAT' READ HALLOWEEN THEMED PACKAGING) doesn't make it(FOR 'IT' READ BUTTERKIST TOFFEE POPCORN) spooky.

It's akin to when Coca-Cola try to claim they invented santa claus and bang on about Christmas for three months before then deciding it's a refreshing summer drink - but I've never seen any mince pie flavoured cola. They can't be bothered to go the extra mile, but they're happy to gobble up the extra sales.

I didn't buy the Butterkist 'Spooky' Popcorn, but I am guessing it tasted 100% the same as Butterkist 'Non-Spooky' Popcorn. In fact, that is how i would like to see all Butterkist Popcorn labelled from now on. I insist on knowing EXACTLY how spooky it is. Or rather how spooky the packaging is, as the actual product will always be the exact same level of spookiness, and that spookiness level is ZERO.

So if putting the word 'spooky' in front of your product automatically makes it sell 10% more at Halloween, then I've got some great ideas for next year:




In other Halloween news, Waitrose have got these massive genetically modified 'Sumo Pumpkins', a snip at £25.


That's more like it! (They also have little tiny ones called 'Munckins') Happy Halloween!

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Halloween Round-Up: Part Two

After Part One, some mega-brains have been mouthing off about a couple of things:

1) AH GOBBLE MONKEY, YOU SAID THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS AN UNSPOOKY GHOST - BUT WHAT ABOUT CASPER - THE 'FRIENDLY' GHOST? YOU FORGOT ABOUT HIM DIDN'T YOU?

Yes I did forget about him. But while Casper might be the world's most useless ghost, however 'friendly' he is, he's still the paranormal apparition of a LITTLE DEAD BOY. So that is still spooky. And I guarantee that if this:
floated into your house, you would be pretty spooked, whether or not he offered you a cup of tea and a biscuit.

2) UM, EXCUSE ME MONSIEUR SINGE GOBER YOU SAID THERE HAS NEVER BEEN AN ORANGE GHOST BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ORANGE GHOST FROM 1980 VIDEO GAME ARCADE SMASH PAC-MAN?

So sorry, I should have said "NO ONE has ever since an orange ghost (since 1980's video game arcade smash Pac-Man)". I'll go back and edit it now**. But look closely at the stupid face of this ghost - he is almost as simple as his Haribo cousin! It just goes to show all orange ghosts are rubbish.

SIDE FACT! In my extensive research for this review*, I discovered that the orange ghost from Pac-Man was called Otoboke in the original Japanese game, which translates as 'stupid'. DANS VOTRE VISAGE MON AMI!

Now let's eat some more Halloween sweets.

CADBURY DEAD HEADS


Look at the evil witch, tempting you in with her evil coquettish eyes! DON'T TRUST HER! OK maybe trust her, cos these are basically caramel filled chocolate eggs with skeleton faces. They won't poison you (probably, who knows with Cadburys?)


Inside, the caramel is red, like blood.


These eggs (THEY ARE EGGS NOT HEADS) are quite scary. I know I once claimed that I could NEVER be scared by an egg, but I was lying. I think Deadheads are actually quite troubling.
Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL 7

SNOT SHOTS 

You know when you're out and about and just need a quick shot of snot? Well these are perfect:


What are Snot Shots? Simple:


Snot Shots Sour Tutti Fruity Bubble Gum Chewing Gum.


Has anyone ever written down those words in that order ever before? What does that sentence even mean?

For a start, Tutti Fruitti is spelt wrong, and if Snot Shots really contain 'All Fruits' (which according to my extensive research* means 'usually containing cherries, raisins and pineapple') I will gladly donate all my worldly goods to charity (5 bananas and an empty bottle of Turbo Tango) and go back to the Coco-pops Monkey's slave factory. Secondly, are these bubble gum or chewing gum? No one knows.

They are very sour though, and almost painful on the tongue.
Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL 2

MEGA MOUTH: Witches Brew


Why bother having to chew anything anyway? With Mega-Mouth, you can get the sugar into your system as quickly and effectively as possible by simply spraying the liquid candy directly into your throat. I wish all food came in spray form and then our teeth could be left exclusively for smiling which I believe is what God intended.

(Check out the coolio ghost on the front! He has his cap on back to front. No way would he hang out with that dweeb Casper.)

Be careful spraying Mega-Mouth though, mistakes can easily happen. That why they have to put this warning on the back: AVOID SPRAYING IN THE EYES.


Having said that, this could be an effective weapon if treats aren't forthcoming when trick'n'treating.

If you do manage to get the spray into your mouth, you'll find this 'Blue Raspberry' flavour from Bazooka is incredibly intense - like neat squash times one million. And it is very moreish.
Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 10

*wikipedia
**i won't

GO TO PART ONE

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Halloween Round-Up: Part One

Halloween is like Christmas for sweet fans.

Actually no it is much better than Christmas. And Easter. It's the one remaining Pagan festival that so far hasn't been usurped by chocolate peddling Vicars. Yes, they say, please help yourself to an Easter egg or a badly moulded Advent Calender chocolate snowman, BUT you must constantly think about the Bible/a prancing lamb/Tiny Tim while doing so. Halloween is purely based on a) scaring people into giving you sweets and then b) eating all of them.

And the mascots of Halloween - vampires, mummies, serial killers, the ghostbusters - are far more exciting than rabbits/Jesus/eggs (Easter) and a tree/Jesus/cardigans (Christmas).

AH BUT GOBBLE MONKEY, JESUS IS KIND AND SANTA BRINGS US PRESENTS, THEY ARE BETTER THAN GHOSTS AND ZOMBIES I hear you cry.

Well think about this Xmas/Easter idiots: what is Santa if not a ever-living ruddy-faced old man who creeps into people's houses late at night while laughing 'ho ho ho' sinisterly? And Jesus, who is still here after dying 2000 years ago, must technically be either a ghost or a zombie. So chew on that Xmas/Easter lovers.

And while you're at it, chew on these too:

HARIBO SPOOKY GHOSTS:


Last week, although I pretended I wasn't, I was terrrified by this egg. What will happen when faced with a actual (glucose-syrup based) 'Spooky' Ghost? (Does the word 'ghosts' really need the prefix 'spooky'? Can you have an unspooky ghost? I think it's implicit in the notion of ghosts. By their very nature, all ghosts are spooky.)

Anyway, these are a mixture of black, orange and white jellies - they are nicest in this order:

1.White
2.Black
3.Orange.

That's not me being racist. I just don't like the orange ones as much.

And since when has there ever been an orange ghost anyway? I've seen a white ghost*, I've seen a black ghost* - but no one has ever seen an orange ghost. Check out the orange ghost on the packet.  Look at his kind little face. He must rank as the least scary ghost I have ever seen. Maybe I was wrong about there being no such thing as an unspooky ghost.


Now look at Gold Bear's face - does he look scared? No, if anything, it's that white ghost who looks terrified, like he's desperately trying to escape Gold Bear's sticky paws. But wouldn't you be scared out of your wits if a gigantic insanely grinning yellow bear was about to sit on you?

Maybe Gold Bear has just slipped on a Tangfastic and is toppling (happily) on top of the ghost, awaiting his fall to be cushioned by the soft masrshmallowy ectoplasm. Well, the joke will be on Gold Bear when he falls straight through the ghost and onto the floor - hard. Then we will see who is the one smiling insanely. (Probably still the Orange Ghost).

Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 7

SMARTIES PUMPKIN:

Imagine if a pumpkin had Smarties when its seeds should be - now that's genuinally scary.

No one in their right mind would eat a real pumpkin - they are disgusting - so this chocolate pumpkin easily beats its bitter squash rival. Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 12
                                                            Put that in your Advent Calender, Santa Claus.

SPOGZ SQUIRTING SKULLS:


OK these are skull-shaped jellies filled with a raspberry flavour 'goo'. (The 'goo' is supposed to be blood, the 'jelly' is bone.) I'm not sure what that massive purple alien monster has to do with anything. There is no other mention of aliens on the packet other than this strange announcement on the back - addressed to ALL humans: 


I, for one, have never EVER said the phrase "wow... yummm... mmmore!" in my life. Firstly, I know how to spell both the word yum and more with the right number of Ms. Secondly, I'm presuming these aliens have come to earth to squeeze our skulls until the blood comes out of them, so it's nice of them to set up a customer complaints PO BOX in Blackpool first. That is the first thing any self-respecting alien invasion does before they start skull squeezing. I don't trust them, so even though these didn't make me go wow... yummm... mmmore! I won't be writing in. Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 9



CLICK FOR PART TWO.

* I haven't

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Galaxy Gift For You

Confectionery companies have begun to capitalise more aggressively on holidays in recent years. Before we just had a chocolate egg in a mug, or a cheap selection box featuring too many Bountys - these days, every Easter the shelves are stocked high with Malteaster Bunnys and Aero Lambs, and come December, Christmas stockings are stuffed with Aero Mint Xmas Trees and Lindt Reindeers...

But now, Galaxy have taken the logical step and bypassed all that with a chocolate product suitable for ANY occasion - the Galaxy Gift For You:


A Gift for ME? Oh Galaxy! You shouldn't have! THANK YOU.

BUT NO - this isn't for me. It's for YOU.

Galaxy have basically hijacked YOUR birthday / wedding anniversary / Yom Kippur.

Now ANY celebration, any celebration AT ALL, must be commemorated with the giving and receiving of a Galaxy Gift For You. NO other presents are required. Some people (NOT GOBBLE MONKEY) might find it offensive that Galaxy believe that a single Gift For You should be a compulsory gift to be given to a new mother on the day of the birth of her first child or presented to a visiting Sultan.

Never mind that the Galaxy Gift For You is actually technically NOT a present, it's merely a chocolate representation of a present. I for one never liked bows on presents anyway. Any bow would go straight in the bin. That's the problem with Galaxy Gift For You - the whole thing is the packaging - okay, it's packaging made of chocolate - but still, it's completely unwrappable, with nothing inside it save a bit of squishy caramel where a lovely wooden toy or a cardigan should be. Imagine a present you can never unwrap - that's the definition of cruelty. (I tried to unwrap it and I got really sticky fingers.)


Plus only HALF this lovely present is filled with caramel. I've no idea why. Obviously whoever gives this to you likes you, but not enough to give you the full quota of caramel. Maybe the full caramel gift is reserved only for Sultans.

  
But HOLD ON - check out what Bep Dhaliwal, Mars trade communications manager has to say about Galaxy Gift for You:

“Self-eat products have grown increasingly popular with consumers and they love treating themselves to something new from their favourite brands...Galaxy Gift for You is sure to be a success"

SELF-EAT? Treating MYSELF??? So this is actually supposed to be a gift for ME from ME? And I still don't get the full caramel version!? How is it a 'Gift For Me' if I'm the one paying 65p for it? Well listen Galaxy, if I have to buy myself a chocolate-based present, it's going to be a Twix.

No, make that a King-Size Twix. I deserve it.

(Galaxy Gift For You is however very tasty, and for future reference I would gladly receive this as a supplementary present for all my future birthdays/Christian festivals.)

Galaxy Gift For You, 65p
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Cadbury Screme Egg

Like all the Christian festivals, Halloween (well known to be Jesus's favourite holiday) is inherently linked to sweets and chocolate.

So I'm sure Jesus would have approved of Cadbury's decision to re-brand its classic Easter treat as a spooky Halloween one.


By simply adding the letter 'S' in front on the word 'creme', Cadbury's have instantly transformed the humble chocolate egg into something utterly terrifying. A masterstroke. I can barely stand to look at it, unless it is by peeking through my fingers.

But WAIT it's not just a horrifying letter that has been changed. OH NO. Cadbury's have also made the (usually yellow) 'yolk' GREEN.

THE WORLD'S SCARIEST COLOUR.


BRRR I AM TREMBLING.

I wonder what other chocolates could be made more scary by adding a letter/changing a colour? I will give these concepts free to Cadbury for next year:

Marsh Bar (yes a marsh like a bog. That is scary. The nougat in this is green.)
Lions Bar (two lions are scarier than one. The lions on the packet are green.)
Flakey (skin)

Anyway, I extracted the green 'yolk' to make sure it doesn't taste any different. IT DOESN'T. That would have been a step to far for the Cadbury master-minds. The colour green is terrifying ENOUGH without bothering to make it taste different.

Just ask Natasha Briant-Evans, Cadbury brand manager for events. She says: “Cadbury Screme Egg is back, bringing with it some gruesome gooiness to the Halloween season. Consumers will enjoy its unexpectedly green yolk, giving them the opportunity to enjoy the classic taste of a Creme Egg out of the usual Easter season.”

WELL NOT NOW YOU'VE GIVEN AWAY THE SURPRISE NATASHA! Also I'm not really sure how much pleasure I can derive purely from the colour green, unexpected or not, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to spend money on your products at other times of the year. What a lovely favour.

At least Jesus would have approved - he hated a lot of Easter - and, nice co-incidence, his favourite colour was green.


The main problem is, an egg is intrinsically UN-scary. There are no gothic horror novels based on evil undead eggs or scary movies featuring eggs in scary masks killing babysitters. I can never be scared of an egg, least of all one with a green yolk. I would just throw it in the bin.

An egg CANNOT defeat me, it is simple fact - I am more powerful than any egg. Unless of course the egg hatched and it had a dinosaur or a ghost in it or something. Cadbury's should have thought about doing that. OR, invent a scary story about a man who is haunted by a ghostly Cadbury's Creme Egg. Maybe the man had carelessly stepped on a discarded Cadbury's Creme Egg one morning on his way to work, then is forever finding them turning up unannounced in his fridge. I'm trembling again as I type this. That is genuinely scary, green yolk or not.

Cadbury Screme Egg, 55p
Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of seven

FOR MORE HALLOWEEN SWEETS, CLICK HERE