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Sunday, 27 November 2011

Now and Later

Back when I used to eat bananas instead of Twixes, they had a thing in Sainsburys called "Four Now, Four Later" - four ripe, yellow bananas to eat straight away, and four green ones to last through the week.

GOOD IDEA. (I think Tescos had a similar rouse called "Eat Me, Keep Me" - not sure which is the better name, they both have strong merits)

Now a GENIUS has applied the same idea to sweets.

Look:


BUT MONSIEUR GOBBLE MONKEY, HOW CAN YOU APPLY THAT CONCEPT TO A SWEET WHICH CANNOT RIPEN LIKE A BANANA? I hear you cry.

Well, the answer is désolé ma petite bon-bons, je ne sais pas pourquoi. I would usually stuff an entire packet of sweets into my face in one sitting. But I think these sweets start off hard and then go softer the longer you leave them without eating, giving you the choice of a crunchy candy or a chewy one. However, I forgot I had them and didn't eat them for about 2 months so they were all soft.

WARNING! MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF EGG.

However, DON'T PANIC. I've done some intensive research to find out (I googled them) and this from the Now and Later Wikipedia page should clear everything up:

"Hard 'N Fruity Now and Soft 'N Chewy Later," the slogan found on each square's wrapping, replaces "Eat Some Now. Save Some for Later;" adding yet another dimension to the nominally prescribed temporal schematic of this confection by implying that each individual candy should be savored upon over a vaguely defined duration perennially bracketed between "now" (taken as the initial moment of contact between the candy and the mouth of the consumer) and "later" (the interval bound by a gradual softening of the candy through a sustained exposure to saliva and the culminating act of swallowing). Thus, in the new motto, the horizon of enjoyment remains suspended in a gulf between two temporal series- a "now and later" for each individual candy, and the modular "now and later" of the original motto- with each always deferring upon itself in a sustained promise of limitless futurity.
That is genuinely from Wikipedia. Surely it is written by some humorous wag out to destroy Now and Later with their devastating candy satire? You would have to be pretty dedicated to your mission to ridicule obscure sweets though. I reckon I am probably the only person ever to go on that page.

And what kind of loser spends hours attempting to satirise sweets no one has ever heard of anyway?*

Now and Later taste so intensely of artificial banana flavouring, it's like eating raw banana Nesquik with a spoon. DELICIOUS. Crunchy or not crunchy, I loved them.


Now and Later Banana, available from American Soda BUY THEM HERE
Gobble Monkey says 6 out of 7

*don't answer that question

Friday, 25 November 2011

Fred Ferkel: An Apology

Imagine having to apologise to this:


Look at his stupid lemonade drinking smug face. It makes me sick. But I must say it:

I AM SORRY FRED FERKEL I WAS WRONG.

Previously, I had accused Fred Frekel, the pig sweet produced by German confectionary giant Katjes, as being a Percy Pig IMPOSTOR.

BUT.
Yesterday I found this interesting article from the Independent about the Percy phenomenon which includes the following passage:

The idea for a foamy sweet came from a German manufacturer called Katjes, but it wasn't until the original <Marks and Spencers>  product team led by Julia Catton came up with the Percy character that it could be manufactured in the kind of volume that would keep Katjes and Marks & Spencer happy.

Catton, remembers that time well. "It was the mid-1990s, we'd already made a few yoghurt gum and licorice products with Katjes but nothing had really worked in the UK, so a team of us went out to Germany to thrash around some ideas. We sat around a table and drew a blank. Eventually, the Katjes people said, 'We'll leave you here for an hour and see if you can come up with anything.' I looked up and saw a licorice panda sweet with different coloured ears. Next thing I knew, I had drawn Percy Pig on a piece of paper."

TAPPSY. Percy Pig is BASED ON TAPPSY.

BLOODY TAPPSY THE PANDA

I like the idea of the "Katjes people" forcing the poor British M&S people to be locked in an office until they came up with a idea. What would have happened if they hadn't thought of one? (THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN KILLED) And in the end, Catton just looked at a panda and drew a picture of pig. Which took her at least ONE HOUR. That's what the pressure of being tortured to death by German sweet manufacturers does to you I guess.

(By the way, Julia, THIS
took me 45 seconds.  Just saying. )

So anyway it seems that Percy and Fred are twins, born at the same moment, evolving simultaneously out of the same racist liquorish panda.

TAPPSY IS THE ORIGINAL PERCY.

I can't believe it.


Like any good journalist, I went back to Marks and Spencers to challenge them on this new information. This was their response:

are Fred Ferkel and Percy Pig one and the same?
There's only one Percy Pig :)
Technically there are BILLIONS of Percy Pigs and even more if you count the gazillions of Fred Ferkels stinking up Germany. So why do M&S continue to try and cover up the existence of Fred? Is he the good twin and Percy the evil one? Who knows? Who cares? (I care.)

Anyway, from now on, I will NEVER buy another Percy Pig again, instead I will be importing all my pig sweet needs from Katjes' see-through candy factory in Potsdam.

THE END

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Fred Ferkel

Concerned Gobble Monkey reader @dynamowe wrote to me today with news of yet more fake Percy Pigs:

I found some Estonian Percy Pigs this weekend called Fred Ferkels, got the packaging, want to see!? (they tasted v similar!) The cleaners threw away my packet, but found a photo! They tasted v similar (from Tallinn, Estonia) he says.

I don't blame those cleaners - check out the photo:


Look familiar? You can imagine my reaction when I saw that. It was similar (but not exactly the same) to:
'WHO THE **** IS FRED FERKEL'

Well I did some digging and I found out who Fred Ferkel is. 'Ferkel' is German for PIG or PIGLET.

FRED PIGLET.

It turns out Katjes (Dutch for 'little cat') are not Estonian, but a long running German sweet manufacturer. (Their current advertising campaign seems to feature Jennifer Aniston holding a rabbit for no reason)

After some exhaustive research (I googled them) I uncovered the whole shady business. Check it the low down on Fred Piglet


Now listen, I've always liked the Germans, but enough is enough. EURO '96 was one thing, but stealing the Percy Pig mould, renaming him Fred and forcing him to wear that horrible stripped purple t-shirt with white gloves and stupid hat combo IS NOT ON.

Now read their lies:

"Everyone loves our Fred Ferkel. This is plain to see, since who could resist such a sweet guy? Perhaps it is due to the sweet little fruit gum ears, tasting of cherries, strawberries or raspberries, or because of the softly whipped pink foam. In this regard, everyone seems to have a different view - but this doesn't matter as long as they like the taste!"

OK:
1) NO ONE loves Fred Piglet. It is NOT plain to see. He is NOT a sweet guy, he is an IMPOSTOR.
2) There are only two different views there, "little fruit ears" or "softly whipped pink foam" so not everyone has a different view. Roughly 50% of people have the same view. OR LIKE ME THEY HATE FRED FERKEL.
3) "Hmmh tasty swinishness" it says.  Definition of swinish: resembling swine; coarsely gluttonous or greedy; eg "the piggy fat-cheeked little boy and his porcine pot-bellied father". So basically "Hmmh tasty pigness" then. Delicious.

But while I was on the Katje website, I happened upon something even more awful than Fred. THIS:


Now, this sort of thing might not be frowned upon in the Euro-Zone, but here we consider "blacking up" to be unacceptable, especially to a national treasure like Percy. That's like asking Joanna Lumley to perform a one-woman Jackson 5 tribute.

Then there's this:

"Tap, tap, tap, here comes Tappsy, and with him the little Tappsy-ritual: you put a Tappsy in your hand, look him at his red nose, and start by biting off his ears! Yummy! We are aware that many of you love the white Tappsy, but they will be very lonely without the black ones. Everything panda?!"

NO EVERYTHING IS NOT PANDA. I'm not even going to go into the many things wrong with that last sentence. Let's just concentrate on the utter nonsense before it.

Oh yeah, we've all got our Tappsy ritual haven't we? Tap tap tap! Here's mine:

1) PUT A TAPPSY IN MY HAND
2) LOOK AT HIS RED NOSE
3) THROW HIM IN THE BIN

I'd heard a rumour about these from Gobble Monkey reader @steffiejayb16, but I thought they couldn't really exist. God knows what they taste like, but what would you expect from Katje, the company that also brings you this:


Also I found this on the site's FAQs:

Can I also take a factory tour around your premises?
We know how happy it would make you to come and visit us. That is why we have built you a transparent hard boiled candy factory in Potsdam.

No, I'll leave it, thanks.

Anyway, here's the FINAL (i hope, i'm running out of room) line-up:


THE END.

EDIT! Since the publication of this article, more information on Fred Ferkel came to light. SEE HERE.

Other fake Percies:
Greedy Pigs
Eric the Elephant and Children's Farm
Pig's Mugs
Mystery fake Percy

UPDATE:

Imagine having to apologise to this:


Look at his stupid lemonade drinking smug face. It makes me sick. But I must say it:

I AM SORRY FRED FERKEL I WAS WRONG.

Previously, I had accused Fred Frekel, the pig sweet produced by German confectionary giant Katjes, as being a Percy Pig IMPOSTOR.

BUT.
Yesterday I found this interesting article from the Independent about the Percy phenomenon which includes the following passage:

The idea for a foamy sweet came from a German manufacturer called Katjes, but it wasn't until the original <Marks and Spencers>  product team led by Julia Catton came up with the Percy character that it could be manufactured in the kind of volume that would keep Katjes and Marks & Spencer happy.

Catton, remembers that time well. "It was the mid-1990s, we'd already made a few yoghurt gum and licorice products with Katjes but nothing had really worked in the UK, so a team of us went out to Germany to thrash around some ideas. We sat around a table and drew a blank. Eventually, the Katjes people said, 'We'll leave you here for an hour and see if you can come up with anything.' I looked up and saw a licorice panda sweet with different coloured ears. Next thing I knew, I had drawn Percy Pig on a piece of paper."

TAPPSY. Percy Pig is BASED ON TAPPSY.

BLOODY TAPPSY THE PANDA

I like the idea of the "Katjes people" forcing the poor British M&S people to be locked in an office until they came up with a idea. What would have happened if they hadn't thought of one? (THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN KILLED) And in the end, Catton just looked at a panda and drew a picture of pig. Which took her at least ONE HOUR. That's what the pressure of being tortured to death by German sweet manufacturers does to you I guess.

(By the way, Julia, THIS
took me 45 seconds.  Just saying. )

So anyway it seems that Percy and Fred are twins, born at the same moment, evolving simultaneously out of the same racist liquorish panda.

TAPPSY IS THE ORIGINAL PERCY.

I can't believe it.


Like any good journalist, I went back to Marks and Spencers to challenge them on this new information. This was their response:

are Fred Ferkel and Percy Pig one and the same?
There's only one Percy Pig :)
Technically there are BILLIONS of Percy Pigs and even more if you count the gazillions of Fred Ferkels stinking up Germany. So why do M&S continue to try and cover up the existence of Fred? Is he the good twin and Percy the evil one? Who knows? Who cares? (I care.)

Anyway, from now on, I will NEVER buy another Percy Pig again, instead I will be importing all my pig sweet needs from Katjes' see-through candy factory in Potsdam.

THE END

Sunday, 20 November 2011

The Blue Skittle


This is a Blue Skittle. It is new.

The prior absence of a blue coloured skittle ranks alongside the Loch Ness Monster and the assassination of JFK as one of the biggest unsolved mysteries ever.

It all started with Skittles' outrageous claim that by eating them, you can "Taste the Rainbow".

Even if humans did have the ability to taste colours, a bag of Skittles does not contain a sweet for every colour of the rainbow (red, yellow, orange, green, blue, indigo, purple). And it wasn't long before people started asking questions:


No one could dispute Dreagon R's faultless logic, but parent company Wrigleys remained tight-lipped.
It didn't matter, the cat was out of the bag, and thanks to Dreagon R, our eyes had been opened. Here. someone called Logan hears the shocking non-Blue Skittle news for the first time. (coincidentally his response exactly echoes my own):


He wasn't the only one to be upset.

Of course, as with any controversy, some forthright views quickly came out of the woodwork:

Experts like "Angelina Petrafina" scrabbled desperately for an answer, but sadly collapsed into pure nonsense.

There were glimpses of hope. Here, "Richard", in a find akin to that of the 1987 Yeti sighting happened upon what could well have been the first ever Blue Skittle:


Sadly, it turned out to be worth just 0.02 pence, only marginally more than any other single unbagged Skittle. But that didn't stop "Richard" mysteriously NEVER POSTING ON THE SUBJECT OF BLUE SKITTLES AGAIN. Co-incidence?

Then, in 2010, a mysterious poster calling himself "Hi" tried to pacify the masses, claiming he had some answers. Unfortunately those answers made no sense at all and left everybody still firmly in the dark.


Disinformation? A Wrigley's plant trying to pacify the ever-growing mob? No one knew. What we do know is that this:


was definitely Wrigleys trying to shut people up.

But, finally, this year Wrigleys relented, releasing the Blue Skittle (cherry-cola flavoured) in limited edition packs, the company claiming it was due to an “intense customer calling to reunite the rainbow”.

BUT WHY HAS THE BLUE SKITTLE BEEN ABSENT ALL THESE YEARS?!?
Here is the reason:


THE BLUE SKITTLE WAS TOO SAD TO JOIN.

Hope that clears everything up. Now, about that indigo Skittle...

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Greedy Pigs

Last week I received the following email from Gobble Monkey reader Lucy:

Hello Wise Gobble Monkey

Last weekend I went away to Edinburgh with friends. Whilst browsing in the gift shop at the Mary King Street Experience (don't ask) I came across THESE! (see pic attached.) They appear to be yet another variant of 'Percy Pigs', named 'Greedy Pigs', in fact, aesthetically they were exactly the same as Percy. However, at £3.99 a bag I refrained from purchasing. I immediately took a picture and have referred it to you for your consultation and analysis.
thanks.

Lucy (an avid GM follower and fan)

Here's the pic:


More fake percys? Sadly I can not make out a single pig face among them (lovely nail varnish though, Lucy) so analysis is difficult. But judging by the list of ingredients I can make an artists impression of what a 'Greedy Pig' would look like:


I rate them 6 out of 7 based purely on this, making them superior to the real Percy. Hope that helps Lucy. Next time you're at the Mary King Street Experience  fork out the £3.99 and buy I pack - I guarantee* you'll love them!

Now the line-up looks like this:


INTRIGUING.

In other Percy news, Marks and Spencer have released a limited edition Christmas variation, Piglet Party.

A piglet party sounds like fun doesn't it? At least that idiot Percy won't be there, right? Being a fully grown pig and all. OH NO LOOK ACTUALLY HE IS COMING.


Now, how come that one piglet doesn't get a party hat? Did Percy steal it and put it on his own head? Maybe Percy hates him. He certainly seems to like squashing his head. 

And what festive thoughts is Percy thinking? What thoughts of joy and happiness are running through this head as he plays with his precious children at this special time of year? That's right, "no artificial colours or flavourings".


WHAT AN ABSOLUTE **$£
The sweets themselves are very nice - a mixture of gum and foam fruit flavoured mini pug faces, similar to the available-all-year-round Percy Piglets. 5 out of 7.

*this is in no way a guarantee

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Jamie Oliver 'Hello Sailor' Chocolate

FANTASTIC NEWS. Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has brought out his own range of chocolate.

There is NO WAY this is at odds with Jamie's crusade to rid the world of all obese children, so if that's what your thinking, just stop it.

Jamie Oliver is NOT a hypocrite and anyone who says he is putting his principles in the bin in order to stamp his face on every foodstuff in the land is WRONG. He does ALL his shopping at Sainsburys, genuinely enjoys having 'Jules' help him in the garden and his branded Italian restaurants are really good value for money. OK?


In fact, this chocolate is just part of Jamie's master plan to eradicate all fat children from Great Britain.

After all, what better way than to discourage kids from eating chocolate than to fill it with disgusting sea salt?

So instead of marketing chocolate to kids, Jamie is aiming it directly at sailors. Jamie is well aware that the sea is salty and sailors sail on the sea so therefore ALL sailors must love salt, right? That is all they eat all day and want all their meals heavily salted - even desserts and especially chocolate bars.

And if any kids are tempted to try this, to put them off Jamie's written some complete nonsense on the back:


"Tickle your taste buds with this luxuriously rich chocolate with a sprinkling of sea salt. Let the crystals sparkle on your tongue before the salt-chocolate alchemy begins - the salt cuts the sweetness to reveal riches and more intense chocolate flavour"

WHAT?

Whatever happened to simply saying PUKKA every five minutes Jamie? You could have just written 'Salt flavoured chocolate' on the back of the packet and had done with it. Instead, you've turned into a massive salt loving ponce.


'Hello Sailor' claims to be 'rich creamy chocolate sprinkled with sea salt'.

I have to take issue with Jamie's definition of the word 'sprinkled' - let me tell you this: if you like swimming in the ocean with your mouth open, you might like Jamie's Hello Sailor chocolate.

Now, Americans have been stuffing their chocolate with salt for years and if anything, salt usually makes things more moreish. But this is just a step too far - it tastes like it has been marinated in saline solution for about 6 weeks. Here's where Hello Sailor slots in on the saltiness level chart:

1) The sea
2) Jamie Oliver Hello Sailor Chocolate
3) Ready salted crisps
4) Jamie Oliver Pasta Sauce
5) Anchovies

Good work Jamie, not only will no child ever eat this, no non-boat dwelling human will either. You've saved the world (again).

Jamie Oliver 'Hello Sailor' Chocolate, £2
Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of 7