How to persuade people to buy cheap horrible wafer biscuit? Simple, just smother it in chocolate. THEY'LL NEVER NOTICE.
And you didn't did you? Now KitKats are the world's best selling chocolate bar.
Realising this, the geniuses at Nestle came up with another plan: If the fools buy lots of our horrible wafer biscuits when they're covered in a little bit of chocolate, what happens when we cover them LOADS of chocolate?
And so, in 1999, the KitKat Chunky was born: More wafer, even more chocolate.
The equation seems to be: the more chocolate added, the worse the biscuit underneath must be. It's a blatant admission that the centre of a KitKat, its very soul if you like, is rubbish. It's like when you wrap up the dog medicine in a nice juicy sausage, and the gullible dog happily gobbles it down.
AND THAT GULLIBLE DOG IS YOU, MY FRIEND.
Look: I nibbled off all the chocolate off a KitKat Chunky to reveal the TRUTH:
LOOK AT IT! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!
Now in an effort to hide their bland, cardboard-like wafer from you even more, Nestle have launched four 'new' KitKat Chunky flavours, and it's up to YOU the kitkat buying idiots, to pick which one becomes the KITKAT CHUNKY CHAMPION and is permanently added to the range. (You can vote on their facebook page here.)
Here are the options: Peanut Butter, White Choc, Orange and "Double Choc"
Blimey, how did they come up with those crazy flavours!? Peanuts, orange, and EVEN MORE CHOCOLATE. Anything to cover up that god-awful wafer eh?
SO HOW WILL YOU POSSIBLY CHOOSE?
Well, here's my simple 2-step guide to how to choose your KitKat Chunky Champion.
1) Pick your favourite flavour out of the following: Orange, Chocolate, White Chocolate, Peanuts
2) Buy the according KitKat Chunky
My personal KitKat Chunky Champion? a Twix. You've seen those right? Delicious shortbread covered in caramel and a thin layer of chocolate? Ever seen a TWIX CHUNKY? Thought not.
Now, for FREE, I will give Nestle some better ideas for KitKat Chunkies. I command you invade the KitKat facebook page and demand these to be crowned CHUNKY CHAMPION:
Le KitKat Chunky: exactly the same put with a picture of a baguette on the packet
KitKat Jelly: Chocolate covering is entirely replaced by jelly.
KitKat Double Jelly: Chocolate and wafer entirely replaced by jelly.
KitKat Meaty: The wafer is replaced by ham.
KitKat Meaty Smokey BBQ flavour. Self explanatory
KitKat Grumpy: Marmite flavoured chocolate.
NOW GO TO THE KITKAT CHUNKY CHAMPION FACEBOOK PAGE AND VOTE FOR THESE. YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR MEDICINE LONG ENOUGH!
KitKat Chunky Champions, 60p, Nestle
Gobble Monkey says:
Orange: 4 out of 7
White Choc: 2 out of 7
Double Choc: 3 out of 7
Peanut Butter: 1 out of 7