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Saturday, 21 January 2012

KitKat Chunky Champion

The KitKat, mankind's greatest con.

How to persuade people to buy cheap horrible wafer biscuit? Simple, just smother it in chocolate. THEY'LL NEVER NOTICE.

And you didn't did you? Now KitKats are the world's best selling chocolate bar.

Realising this, the geniuses at Nestle  came up with another plan: If the fools buy lots of our horrible wafer biscuits when they're covered in a little bit of chocolate, what happens when we cover them LOADS of chocolate? 

And so, in 1999, the KitKat Chunky was born: More wafer, even more chocolate.

The equation seems to be: the more chocolate added, the worse the biscuit underneath must be. It's a blatant admission that the centre of a KitKat, its very soul if you like, is rubbish. It's like when you wrap up the dog medicine in a nice juicy sausage, and the gullible dog happily gobbles it down.

AND THAT GULLIBLE DOG IS YOU, MY FRIEND.

Look: I nibbled off all the chocolate off a KitKat Chunky to reveal the TRUTH:


LOOK AT IT! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!

Now in an effort to hide their bland, cardboard-like wafer from you even more, Nestle have launched four 'new' KitKat Chunky flavours, and it's up to YOU the kitkat buying idiots, to pick which one becomes the KITKAT CHUNKY CHAMPION and is permanently added to the range. (You can vote on their facebook page here.)

Here are the options: Peanut Butter, White Choc, Orange and "Double Choc"


Blimey, how did they come up with those crazy flavours!? Peanuts, orange, and EVEN MORE CHOCOLATE. Anything to cover up that god-awful wafer eh?

SO HOW WILL YOU POSSIBLY CHOOSE?

Well, here's my simple 2-step guide to how to choose your KitKat Chunky Champion.

1) Pick your favourite flavour out of the following: Orange, Chocolate, White Chocolate, Peanuts
2) Buy the according KitKat Chunky


My personal KitKat Chunky Champion? a Twix. You've seen those right? Delicious shortbread covered in caramel and a thin layer of chocolate? Ever seen a TWIX CHUNKY? Thought not.

Now, for FREE, I will give Nestle some better ideas for KitKat Chunkies. I command you invade the KitKat facebook page and demand these to be crowned CHUNKY CHAMPION:

Le KitKat Chunky: exactly the same put with a picture of a baguette on the packet
KitKat Jelly: Chocolate covering is entirely replaced by jelly.
KitKat Double Jelly: Chocolate and wafer entirely replaced by jelly.
KitKat Meaty: The wafer is replaced by ham.
KitKat Meaty Smokey BBQ flavour. Self explanatory
KitKat Grumpy: Marmite flavoured chocolate.

NOW GO TO THE KITKAT CHUNKY CHAMPION FACEBOOK PAGE AND VOTE FOR THESE. YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR MEDICINE LONG ENOUGH! 

KitKat Chunky Champions, 60p, Nestle
Gobble Monkey says:
Orange: 4 out of 7
White Choc: 2 out of 7
Double Choc: 3 out of 7
Peanut Butter: 1 out of 7


16 comments:

  1. 1/7 for peanut butter?? sacrilege!

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  2. Oh wow you didnt like the peanut butter one!! I think that would probably be the nicest one!

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    1. yes i also think that too

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  3. I used to make KitKat Chunkies, when they launched. Handling wafer all day cuts your fingers. They didn't let us wear gloves for 'hygiene reasons.' You do the math.

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  4. There was a different Kit-Kat Chunky Orange years ago with jelly like Orange stuff then.

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  5. Kit Kat Chunky's were originally released as a Ltd Edition item in the late 90s, but their sales were a huge shock to Nestle as the product outsold the original Kit-Kat 3:1. They remain to date, the best settling Nestle sweet in the UK.

    I remember the Orange jelly one too, very early 2000's. There may also have been a Lemon creme one?

    Gobble Monkey why do you post so infrequently... ?!

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  6. We absolutely love the White Chocolate Kit-Kat Chunky but it is pipped by the Orange Kit-Kat Chunky, there were delicious!

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  8. What? You don't like the wafer? I tell you after 3 weeks on the trans-siberian railway a Kit Kat Chunky was the most glorious thing known to man as I stepped off the train in Moscow. I love Kit Kat Chunky just the way they are, although I do like the idea of Kit Kat Chunky Double Jelly.

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  9. Gobble Monkey, just had to throw away a bag of Pigs Mugs. They tasted like meat gelatin with a bit of flumps. Nasty :-(

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  11. :O Kit Kat Chunky is my all time favourite chocolate bar! And the peanut butter one is AMAZING!

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  12. Peanut Butter WON! It's a mystery to me. Peanut butter is nice in a) sandwiches, b) those Reeces things from o'er t'pond and c) cakes. (YES). However, Orange should have won. It was a tasty wafer-based Club biscuit in massive form. That it didn't just confirms that this country's going to the dogs

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  13. Didn't they launch a cherry edition in china? I'd love to try it!!

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  14. Peanut butter won in the end but i was addicted to the white chocolate ones. Very similar to the white chocolate lion bars that are now available over here in the UK!

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  15. double choc should have won but i hated kit kat chunky, not that keen on regular kit kat but the mini orange is quite good and the mini white choc ones are amazing, they should do white chocolate yorkies :) cos its the same choc :)

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