It's almost Egg Day!!! Or Egg Sunday, or Eat As Many Chocolate Eggs As Possible Weekend or whatever you like to call it.
What egg will you be getting this Egg Day? Hmmm?
HERE'S AN IDEA: just buy a bar of chocolate.
Why are you so obsessed with eggs anyway? Look a large bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk is 230 grams for £1.97. A Dairy Milk buttons egg is 101 grams and costs £2.
YOU DO THE MATH EGGSTEIN.
Yet YOU are still obsessed with buying chocolate moulded into the shape of an egg, and are happy to pay above the odds for the privilege for child labour camps to mould your chocolate into the shape of an egg to sate your unquenchable egg-shaped-things addiction. That's how much you love eggs.
Maybe you think that all food should be melted down and re-shaped into the image of an egg (your favourite food)? You'd love that wouldn't you.
Well check out my chocolate egg this year:
IT'S GOT A BLOODY MONKEY IN IT.
Did the monkey come out of the egg? Or did he lay it?
Since when did monkey's have anything to do with eggs? Monkey's don't lay eggs, they don't live in eggs and I'm not even sure they even like eggs* - and yet Cadbury's have deemed it reasonable to shove a 'soft monkey toy' in with my traditional Egg Day chocolate egg. Is nothing sacred anymore? Not even our precious Egg Day??!
Tescos have gone one step further this year and turned the actual eggs into animals:
pig egg there - according to Tescos, he's called "Peter Pig Egg Face". What sort of a sentence is that? You couldn't choose four more unconnected words. If someone called me 'Peter Pig Egg Face' on the street I'd spit on them.
And a chicken that is also an EGG? That's making my brain melt.
Marks and Spencer, in addition to their monstrous Percy Pig "Egg", have eschewed animals completely with this chocolate robot egg called EggBot.
Aren't traditional Egg Day eggs supposed to be a symbol of 'new life'? Surely a robot is the antithesis of 'new life' - being a mishmash of dead metal and artificial intelligence and all.
It's almost as if confectionery manufacturers have forgotten the true meaning of Egg Day.**
I predict that by next year's Egg Day, eggs will have been completely replaced by any moulded chocolate object, not just pigs, monkeys or robots, but chocolate crows, butchers and a sudoko.
This means we'll have to find a new name for Egg Day. I can't think of anything though.
Cadbury's Dairy Milk buttons chocolate Egg, £2
Gobble Monkey says: tastes exactly the same as Cadbury's Dairy Milk.
*i should know i am a monkey.
** that's worshipping King Eggo, Lord of of the eggs, right?