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Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Royal Blueberry Mochi

Hey! These are Japanese 'Mochi" - they're a rice cake made from something called glutinous rice.

Hands up who doesn't like glutinous rice?

What do you mean "no Monsieur Gobble Monkey I don't like glutinous rice, it looks disgusting"?

Really, you don't like purple blobs oozing with purple slime? Well then, you're stupid. Look, it even says on the packet: "Unbelievable Mouthfeel !!"

What more do you want, an official guarantee? Well, I don't know how official this is, but "Royal Family" sounds that pretty authoritative does't it?

And if 'Unbelievable Mouthfeel !!" hasn't convinced you, this golden 'thumbs up' symbol definitely suggests that eating these will be a mainly positive experience. There's no way these can be disgusting. YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

Alright - so let's go!

Inside the box, the blueberry flavoured mochi are safely vacuum packed for added freshness. The mark of a good sweet in Japan is whether it's been hermetically sealed in orange plastic, so luckily we're on to a winner here. Inside are six purple mochi, lightly sprinkled with flour and nestled in their individual green paper cases. LOOK!

They look so innocent don't they? But to poke one is a little like poking a dusty testicle. What about eating one? Well, I've never eaten a dusty testicle, but I can tell you, they weren't lying - the mouthfeel certainly is unbelievable. The rice cake itself has the texture of a damp jellyfish, but it's fairly tasteless until your tongue hits the 'flavoured bean paste' in the middle. It has some resemblance to blueberry, but only in the same way a sausage with a face drawn on it resembles an angry python.

Now, look at this serving suggestion. Two problems: One, I don't own any dishes like that. Two, no human could possibly eat more than 0.5 of one of these, let alone three.

I do like that little green leaf of garnish there though. That's really classy. That's how I'd serve glutinous rice jelly if i ever had a posh dinner party (WITH GUESTS I REALLY HATED).

The Japanese are clever. I think they chose the word 'unbelievable' very carefully. No one can accuse them of lying, even if putting one in your mouth is the most horrible "mouth feel" you've ever experienced, it's still unbelievable. DAMN THEM! Any libel case would fail immediately - their case is water tight!

As for the stamp of approval on the packet, I don't know, maybe the thumbs up gesture means something different in Japan. And by "something different", I mean the complete opposite.

Royal Mochi - Blueberry, Loon Fung Ltd 
Gobble Monkey says: 1 out of 7


  1. YAYAYAYAYAYAY You're back!

  2. 'Dusty testicle'

    You're back! *happy face*

  3. Brilliant Mr. Monkey, brilliant. GC drinks soon, Ed

  4. Awesome to have you back!

  5. Hooray! Gobble Monkey!


    I had mochi with frozen yogurt once, yuck, like weird turkish delight (also yuck) too sweet and flavourless.

    I also had agar juice balls and matcha
    yep juice balls- double ew, like the scary ones in bubble tea

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. YOUR BACK! Words cannot describe how euphoric it is to see a new post on your site..Welcome Back.. =)

  9. Try mochi filled with vanilla ice cream - it's actually YUM!

  10. You're back! (Obviously).


  11. Disgusted, of Tunbridge Wells24 February 2013 at 07:59

    I actually laughed reading this. Out loud. especially at incredible mouthfeel which is how I'm going to describe all my cooking from now on. To my 2 year old daughter.

  12. This isn't mochi - it's the cheap Chinese crud that floods markets with its subpar quality and weird ass flavours you'd never see in Japan.

    Real mochi is a freaking wonder, you just had the knockoff, pound-shop garbage 'version' of it.

  13. I went to an amazing sushi restaurant a few weeks ago, everything I had was delicious...until I had the fruit mochi. IT TASTED LIKE SOMEONE HAD SCRAPED THAT WEIRD CRUD OFF OF THE SIDEWALK THEN PUT IT INSIDE A RUBBER BOUNCY BALL. I mean, they were terrible. VERY terrible. But I am intrigued to try the chocolate ones the had..........