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Saturday, 23 February 2013

Cadbury Egg 'n' Spoon


It's at this time of the year that confectionary companies like to ready their new egg-themed products in preparation for Egg Day, the highlight of their financial calendar.

This time, Cadbury have come up with the clever idea of disposing of out-dated chicken eggs at Easter,  and replacing them with their own version of the egg made entirely out of chocolate:


So Cadbury arrogantly think they can improve on nature by re-designing the egg in their own sick image. I'm sure that one day they'd like to see their "superior" version of the egg replace all existing eggs through-out the entire year, thus giving them a dangerous monopoly on eggs - or "egg monopoly". I know how their minds work.

If left unchecked, they will surely go the whole hog and re-make all foods out of chocolate - eg chocolate ham or a chocolate potato - exactly the sort of nonsenscial idea that sicko Willy Wonka used to come up with. (Honestly why a certifiably insane dandy was left in charge of a chocolate factory where dwarves regularly experiment on small children is beyond me. No wonder he never let anyone in there.)

It's about time we got rid of eggs anyway. For years, we've all known the horrible truth about eggs, what they actually are and where they come from. We know full well the eggs' little secret and we choose to keep on eating them regardless, like Soylent Green.

So let's give Cadbury a chance to prove that their "Egg Two" if you like is better than the egg that Mother Nature invented.

Firstly, Cadbury have provided two free spoons with their eggs. That's something you don't get when you buy one of your 'common egg' eggs, isn't it? You don't even get one spoon with those. It means these are completely portable - you can eat them any time, any place, sans egg cup - eg. in the garden or (my recommendation) before you get to the counter in the supermarket. (The reason there are two spoons is that no human could eat more than two of these incredibly sickly eggs in one sitting. You'll need a friend.)


Secondly, Cadbury's "eggs" come in a cardboard egg box, JUST LIKE NORMAL EGGS.

Except (egg-cept) this egg box is purple. Two nil Cadbury's. (ONE NIL WAS THE FREE SPOONS, KEEP UP)

Also, helpfully, if you're an idiot, there are instructions on the side of the box to help you. You don't get that on the side of a normal egg-box do you? No. they expect you to work it out all by yourself.


So far so good. But look what happens when you 'peel' the egg:


BAM. That doesn't look like an egg does it? It looks like a sort of egg with a nipple hatching out of it. Is that supposed to be Cadbury's big improvement on the design of an egg? Put a nipple on it? Who came up with that idea in the marketing meeting? There's no advantage to the chocolate nipple that I can see. An egg is one of nature's most perfect creations, a seamless box with no corners, at once both fragile and indestructible. The concept has been around literally millions of years, and was working out fine. It really didn't need a nipple on it.

Anyway, what you're meant to do is bite off the nipple, then spoon out the contents into your mouth (utilising the free spoon). It's like eating a boiled egg, right? Except this egg you don't have to bother cooking, plus Cadbury have replaced the yolk with a "fluffy chocolate mousse centre", having deemed normal egg yolk "rubbish".



Then, unlike a proper egg, you can eat the "shell", which solves the thorny problem of having to throw it away. And we all hate throwing away the egg-shell don't we? It's the worst part of the chore of eating an actual egg.

Which egg is best? Making this table was the only way to know for sure: 

So there you have it, egg fans. Happy Egg Day!

Egg, made by a chicken, £1.99 for 6 
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7 

Cadbury Egg 'n' Spoon, Cadbury's, £3.99 for 4
Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7

P.S. For a bonus game, why not count the number of times the word 'egg' appears in this post? Good luck!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Royal Blueberry Mochi

Hey! These are Japanese 'Mochi" - they're a rice cake made from something called glutinous rice.

Hands up who doesn't like glutinous rice?


What do you mean "no Monsieur Gobble Monkey I don't like glutinous rice, it looks disgusting"?

Really, you don't like purple blobs oozing with purple slime? Well then, you're stupid. Look, it even says on the packet: "Unbelievable Mouthfeel !!"


What more do you want, an official guarantee? Well, I don't know how official this is, but "Royal Family" sounds that pretty authoritative does't it?


And if 'Unbelievable Mouthfeel !!" hasn't convinced you, this golden 'thumbs up' symbol definitely suggests that eating these will be a mainly positive experience. There's no way these can be disgusting. YOU ARE AN IDIOT.



Alright - so let's go!

Inside the box, the blueberry flavoured mochi are safely vacuum packed for added freshness. The mark of a good sweet in Japan is whether it's been hermetically sealed in orange plastic, so luckily we're on to a winner here. Inside are six purple mochi, lightly sprinkled with flour and nestled in their individual green paper cases. LOOK!


They look so innocent don't they? But to poke one is a little like poking a dusty testicle. What about eating one? Well, I've never eaten a dusty testicle, but I can tell you, they weren't lying - the mouthfeel certainly is unbelievable. The rice cake itself has the texture of a damp jellyfish, but it's fairly tasteless until your tongue hits the 'flavoured bean paste' in the middle. It has some resemblance to blueberry, but only in the same way a sausage with a face drawn on it resembles an angry python.



Now, look at this serving suggestion. Two problems: One, I don't own any dishes like that. Two, no human could possibly eat more than 0.5 of one of these, let alone three.


I do like that little green leaf of garnish there though. That's really classy. That's how I'd serve glutinous rice jelly if i ever had a posh dinner party (WITH GUESTS I REALLY HATED).

The Japanese are clever. I think they chose the word 'unbelievable' very carefully. No one can accuse them of lying, even if putting one in your mouth is the most horrible "mouth feel" you've ever experienced, it's still unbelievable. DAMN THEM! Any libel case would fail immediately - their case is water tight!

As for the stamp of approval on the packet, I don't know, maybe the thumbs up gesture means something different in Japan. And by "something different", I mean the complete opposite.

Royal Mochi - Blueberry, Loon Fung Ltd 
Gobble Monkey says: 1 out of 7