Now, imagine eating a handful of jelly tots quickly followed by a handful of chocolate. That would be a time consuming way of eating a fairly disgusting snack, wouldn't it? Well, Cadbury's best chocolate technicians have managed to cut that time from 5.5 seconds to roughly 2.3 seconds - thereby saving you 3.2 seconds.
It's basic science - they've simply chucked in a load of jelly and smarties into their Dairy Milk and called it "Marvellous Creations: Jelly Popping Candy Shells Covered in Delicious Cadbury Dairy Milk".
(Unfortunately they've also chucked in some popping candy. Note to Cadbury: NO ONE OVER THE AGE OF SEVEN LIKES POPPING CANDY.)
I like the name "Marvellous Creations" though. It's very modest. I'm thinking of renaming this blog "Really Good Gobble Monkey" or "Excellent Sweet Blog". Anyway, in case you were thinking it's a bit rich of Cadbury to decide themselves how "marvellous" their product is, STOP PANICKING.
On the back of the packet, Cadbury explain they have something called a "Joy-o-meter" at their headquarters that measures the "levels of marvellousness" of their chocolate. The exact specifications of this Joy-O-Meter are NOT explained, but I think we should trust them. It's not like it sounds made up or anything.
After all, they named it after the location of their HQ, which Cadbury claim is based somewhere called "Joyville", see?
Joyville sounds brilliant, doesn't it? I bet it's just like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Oh yeah, close your eyes and picture the chocolate rivers and orange dwarf slaves! Here's a picture of Joyville from the Cadbury marketing campaign:
Sadly, I looked it up and in reality, Cadbury's head office is Uxbridge Business Park, Uxbridge. Here's Uxbridge Business Park, Uxbridge:
|Uxbridge Business Park, Uxbridge|
WHERE ARE THE CHOCOLATE RIVERS?!
But listen, if Cadbury's were honest about their HQ, then they'd have to rename their Joy-o-Meter "Uxbridge-Business-Park-O-Meter" which would be confusing for everybody.
So best not worry about it. ANYWAY, squares are boring, right? Straight lines are for losers, we all know that. Why not get rid of all square shaped things and replace them with random shapes? That would be more fun, wouldn't it? NO BECAUSE HOUSES WOULD FALL DOWN.
Well, putting jelly into chocolate wasn't quite mental enough for Cadbury, so they went even further and made the chocolate 'squares' in Marvellous Creations all squiggly. What have they been putting in the tea at Uxbridge Business Park, eh?! Those guys are cray-zee.
The 'squares' have different textures on them too - one's a bit wavy, one looks a bit like it's been sitting on grass for too long, one has 'Cadbury' written on it. Don't worry, they all taste the same.
In truth, whisper it, the irregular-shaped pieces are a genius move by Cadbury - fine, the textures make no difference - but the different shapes mean you get a varied amount of jelly/candy shell etc in each piece, ensuring you'll keep going back for more.
Unfortunately, while the jelly pieces make a surprisingly pleasant addition to the chocolate, the popping candy is a step too far and pushes the bar into novelty territory. However, the other new bar in the Marvellous Creations range, Cookie Nut Crunch, is amazing.
It's probably the most moreish chocolate I've ever eaten in my life - and I don't even like nuts.
It really sends the Uxbridge-Business-Park-O-Meter off the scale. (IF THE SCALE WAS A MARK OUT OF SEVEN AND "OFF" MEANT A SCORE OF SIX)
Marvellous Creations: Jelly Popping Candy, Cadbury, £2.49
Uxbridge-Buisness-Park-O-Meter says: 3 out of 7
Marvellous Creations: Cookie Nut Crunch, Cadbury, £2.49
Uxbridge-Buisness-Park-O-Meter says: 6 out of 7